Mission not yet Accomplished

We had big plans for the Surf City Half Marathon yesterday. Big Plans. 2 of my girlfriends, Amy and Jen, have been flirting with the sub 2 hour half, and were fully committed to making it happen yesterday. I volunteered to pace them and cheer them on the entire way. I know, super nice of me, right? Not exactly. I knew with my knee I wasn’t going to PR, so at least this way I had a purpose for the run. Not so sweet after all ;).

We started in our correct corral, which never happens, and were off without a hitch. Well, unless you call me making us stop over to the side before we crossed that start waiting for my Garmin to pick up a signal a hitch. We started off at an 8:45 pace, which was a little faster than I was hoping for, but with all the weaving through people it just turned out that way. We finally settled at our 9:15 pace after mile 3.

We took our first Gu after mile 5, and immediately you could tell it didn’t sit well with Amy. As she slowed down a bit, I told Jen to take off and go for it. And that she did. I could see the nerves written all over Amy’s face. The doubt was creeping in, the pain was becoming real, and the fear of failure was coming on strong.

I immediately regretted having her wear her Garmin.

It was time for me to pull out my coaching skills and get her through what might just be a mental wall.

You’ve got this Amy. You’ve worked hard, and you have earned this time. We are out here to fight for this today. You aren’t running, you’re f-ing(I said the real word) racing. To go faster than you have ever gone, you have to push harder than you have even pushed, and it’s going to hurt more than it has ever hurt. But that’s what makes it worth it. Trust me, and go with me, and you can do this!


Tears started to form in her eyes, and I knew it was a lot more than mental. I would run a few paces ahead of her, and point for her to come right by my side. I thought if I could just get her next to me she could hold on to it. But it doesn’t work that way. Her body wasn’t going to cooperate. Her body wasn’t the one that wrote the check that said she would run a sub 2 hour half marathon.

My heart sunk. I remember how I felt at mile 23 in my very first marathon, the point I knew my goal time was out of my reach. Where you question why in the hell you were so vocal about your goal, and how you would have to explain to everyone that you didn’t accomplish what you set out to do. The perfect combination of embarrassment and disappointment.

As we made the turn just after mile 8 to head all the way back down PCH, it became clear to both of us that the sub 2 had slipped out of our reach. Amy broke down at the water stop and started to sob. ‘I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t be disappointed in me.’ I felt horrible, and it was time to be honest.

I shook Amy by the shoulders and told her to STOP! That this was her race, and that the fact that she was even out here running was a miracle. She ran the Tinkerbell half just 6 days before, and in between the 2 races had a nice run in with the stomach flu. So we were going to dry the tears, enjoy the gorgeous day and race, and focus on how delicious the beer would taste in the beer garden.

We started up and saw 2 of our friends cheering us on. Amy started to cry again. I don’t think Amy realizes what an inspiration she is to our friends, and that it has nothing to do with a sub 2.

We struggled all the way back, and spent a lot of that time running holding hands. I wanted Amy to know I was there for her, and that we were crossing that finish line with smiles on our faces, together. And hell, maybe we could set some sort of record for the longest hand holding during a race.

Just after mile 12 we saw Amy’s family- her husband, both kids, and 2 best friends with their kiddos- screaming and cheering like maniacs! The tears started up again for us both. This is what is was all about. Mommy was out there working hard, and not giving up. And that is a lesson that can only be taught by example. Amy could’ve given up the minute she realized she wasn’t going to reach the goal she set for herself for that day. But she never did.

After an orange slice, and a big gulp of water, Amy started to choke. Literally. She couldn’t breathe, and the small gasps she was getting in were a high pitched squeal. I tried to stay calm while I was freaking out on the inside. Where was the medical cart? How would I get them here without causing a scene, or causing Amy to panic? Hmmm, I wonder if the EMT is cute. But as quickly as it came on, she found her breath, and we were off again.

She grabbed my hand and said, let’s do this. And she was serious. She picked up the pace(7:47 to be exact), we were passing people left and right, maintaining the tight grip we had on each other’s hand. We were in this together, and she was ready to finish strong. She never let up until we crossed the finish line, and we collapsed into each other’s arms and tears.

She had finished what she will tell you is the hardest race she has done to date. We cried because it was finally over, because we got to cross together, I cried because I had never been more proud of her in my life. And I think she cried for the same reason. And guess what? Our time was 2:09:24. A solid 30 seconds faster than she ran the same half last year.

It’s hard to recover from a race like that. Hard to see the silver lining sometimes. But, that it what running is all about. It’s like a relationship. There are ups and downs, a lot of drama and struggle, but man when it’s good….it makes it all worthwhile.

I reminded Amy of that, as Kim and I nursed her running ego wounds the best way we know how.

It didn’t happen that day, but the great thing about running is that redemption is always right around the corner. You ALWAYS get another chance to be better.

3 checked, 1 failed, and 123 to go

I like to set a lot of New Year's Resolutions. No, not because I am super ambitious but because I like a lot of options. And the odds are much greater that I will actually complete at least one.

I am so not an 'all my eggs in one basket' kinda girl.

But, I don't get hung up on failed resolutions either. I made a resolution to run a marathon every year for 6 years before it actually happened. So if it's failed one year, it doesn't mean it can't come back again, and again, and yet again.

Well, I am proud to report that I have already completed 2 and stuck to 1 of my resolutions for 2012! Woohoo! Probably the best I have ever done. I like having a few that you just have to check off a list. Success builds upon success, so every little win I have propels me forward into my other resolutions/goals.

Let me get the fail out of the way right now.

Every year, scratch that, every week, I vow that I will clean my kitchen every night before I go to bed. Period. I am after all a real adult, so I should have been on board with this a while ago. I love how great I feel in the morning walking out to a clean kitchen. Not having to start chores asap is so nice. It keeps my head clear and makes for a great day. But somehow that knowledge means nothing to me at night when I decide to sit on my ass in front of the TV, or more often than not hop right in bed and go to sleep. So this one will have to be a work in progress. How do you motivate yourself to clean up at night? And all my friends with OCD that can't go to sleep until it looks perfect need not reply. I secretly hate you for having that quality.

On to some WINS!

I told myself that 2012 was the year of me doing a race in just a sports bra and skirt/shorts. So you would think I would give myself a little bit of time to drop a few more pounds and really sculpt out my abs, possibly hold off on the wine for more than a 2 day stretch, and send a break up letter to Alberto's breakfast burritos. Nah. Let's just get it out of the way now. So I did. Last weekend I ran the Tinkerbell Half Marathon as Flounder. Or what Flounder would look like if he were a girl heading to the main stage. If you don't get that reference, be very proud.

This is my real runner friend Lisa, check out her blog to see what a running blog should look like.

I was pretty bold about my next resolution as I blurted it out to all of my Body Back classes. By January 31st I would have my office clean, with a system in place for handling papers etc. so that I could finally work more efficiently. Well, I DID IT! And by I DID IT, I mean I hired my friend Barbi who is SUPER organized, and she did most of it while I drank wine to handle my anxiety. I would say I was a consultant. Luckily I watch the show Hoarders often, so I knew what to expect with my CPO. Again a reference that if you don't get it, you are clearly on the right path.

So here is the final product. Weird that I don't have any before pictures, but let me just tell you that you wouldn't have known it was an office. My Mother in Law kindly referred to it as our 'oh shit' room.

Now I know, like with everything, maintenance is usually the hardest part. But, it feels so amazing to work in a clean, productive space. Plus, Barbi could pop in anytime and see what I have done so I need to be on it!

Lastly, well so far, in keeping in line with de-cluttering my work life, I vowed to keep my work email inbox to 1 page at all times.

Yes, I know what you are thinking....umm 46 emails is hardly de-cluttered. But, 50 fit on a page. 50 is manageable. 50 I can sort through in 20-30 minutes and complete everything. And 50, compared to my usual 300 is a HUGE win. I am taking it.

So what has changed? Why am I banging out more resolutions this year than previous years? I had to really think about it. What was different? And I think it comes down to a few core choices.

1. This is the year I am done getting in my own way. I refuse to hold myself back from what could be, because I am too scared of failure. Lucky for me I get to preach this to women everyday so it gets stuck in my head too ;)

2. I have an overall goal and plan that is so much clearer than ever before in my life. Knowing what I want down the line, helps me take steps towards my vision.

3. My focus is forever on the positive, and I surround myself with people who are like mined and moving forward. Watching others take leaps towards their goals give me a little extra strength and confidence to go for mine.

So there you have it 2012, so far we are off to a great start! How are you with your resolutions? Are you ready to recommit?

Please Believe....

that just because most of my posts involve running and me skipping through a meadow of flowers together, rolling around all lovey dovey, and truly understanding and respecting each other, doesn't mean that I don't have days/runs that suck. It happens. Often. Today fucking sucked.

I woke up grumpy, and I'm pretty sure that it had NOTHING to do with the glass(es) of wine that I drank staying up late watching the Biggest Loser. And then Hoarders.

After I taught Body Back this morning I stumbled around the house irritated that it was messy, irritated that my kids were whining for things like food and water, confused that my husband was asking me how his outfit looked for work, and feeling like the coffee I made was weak.

I knew what needed to happen. I needed to run. All signs were pointing to the pavement and I have an afternoon session of love. Yup. I secured a sitter for the girls, and my day was already feeling a little brighter knowing I had a plan. See, I haven't run in over a week, nursing my injury and this adorable smoker’s cough that has settled in my lungs and chest and has shown no sign of leaving. Ever. (note: I don't really smoke. I made this joke the other day and someone thought I was serious ;)

I dropped the girls off and headed to my friend’s house to start my run. No, she wasn't running with me, but from her house to the pier and back is exactly 6 miles...plus she has a fridge full of beer that I knew I could raid when I was done.

I sat in her kitchen lacing up my shoes and bitching up a storm about how grumpy I was...and that really, I didn't want to run. She smiled- nice, thanks friend, and said HA! now you know how the rest of us feel! Ummmm, hello?! I feel like this all the time too. I just know better, that's all.

I headed out, and immediately felt like shit. My legs were heavy and tired, and it was windy. God this is going to be the longest 6 miles of my life.

As I hit the beach path, I got more negative. I couldn't get a good breath, my music on Pandora sucked, and there were too many people out for a leisurely walk on the path. And wait a minute...what's that feeling? Are my legs really chaffing in this skirt? FML

I saw my friend Gunnar running past the other direction and took the opportunity to stop and talk. Luckily he was sucking wind as bad as I was so no need for him to talk some smack about how bad I looked, and how slow I was going. I begged for him to tell me it felt better with the wind at his back. He shrugged and said, nope. Awesome.

Even more awesome: I forgot to stop my Garmin for our chat. So now it looked like I was running a 14 minute mile. If you don't know this by now, I am a slave to that Garmin, and what it says holds the entire value of my life. So of course I had to start hauling ass so it could get back down and reflect the pace I was really keeping. Love that about me.

I turned around at 3 miles, expecting to feel the wind push me back to my friend’s house like I was flying effortlessly. Clearly that's not what happened. Instead, my knee started to hurt. Bad. I needed something to change; to regroup, if for anything to at least be able to make it back and finish this god awful run. I stopped to get some water, try out a few of my fancy chiropractor ordered stretches to help my knee, and change the shitty song on my phone.

And just then, the next song that played, was a new theme song of mine: Fly, by Nicki Minaj and Rhianna. Oh hells to the yeah. I got a little strut in my step and took off. My knee hurt, everything hurt, but I was on a mission to finish.

"but when you go hard your nay's become yea's"

I pushed it back, and it still sucked. My nay never really became a yea...but they can’t all be gems. Some of the stuff we do has to suck, so that when something good and magical happens we can truly appreciate it.

Even a shitty, crappy, terrible run feels a million times better than not going at all. And so that is what I will take from it.

Silver lining bitches!!!!!

My new love was tested yesterday

New love is always so fun and exciting. Your heart skips a beat, you are constantly smiling, and in your eyes, your love can do no wrong. This is a different kind of new love for me. It is a love for myself. A new affair that began recently and the only thing about it that makes me sad is that it took me almost 32 years to get here and I had no idea. For years, my love, my best friend was right here, and I treated her terribly, thought mean thoughts about her, and constantly compared her to everyone else and never embraced the beauty that she had all along.


I am so fortunate to have a phenomenal photographer as one of my best friends. Candace Rock Photography(can't miss the chance to plug her work!) This means I get dibs on some pretty amazing photo shoots before they sell out to the public. She has been training and dabbling in Boudoir photos for a while, and finally put together a mini marathon to capture the sexiness of some awesome women. I was immediately all over it, because as I mentioned above, my body and I are newly in love and I wanted to celebrate that with some sexy shots. Ok, yes, ideally they were going to be for my husband...but I knew they would be for me too.

It wasn't until Candace sent me the prep guide and questionnaire that I realized how 'for me' this shoot was going to be. She asked questions about what kind of style I liked, and what my dream shoot would be, and what my partner loved about me and my body. But when I got to the question: 'what do you love about your body?' I started to cry. And those tears made me cry even more. I wasn't crying because I didn't have an answer. I was crying because for once in my life, finally, I had a lot of answers. I didn't need to ask someone else, or make up something that I thought should say. Nope. I had a whole paragraph of what I love about myself. And it felt amazing.

'I love that it is strong. I love that you can see my muscles. That you can tell I can probably kick a little ass. I love that I can smile when I look in the mirror at myself naked (most of the time). I love that I work hard for it. I love that it allows me to do what I love- run and teach. I love that I look like a real woman and mother, with curves and hips and a booty. I love that I am finally at a point in my life where I truly do love my body.'

It felt liberating. And not only did it feel great to love myself, it felt great to be able to say it...without feeling like I was bragging, or that I should keep it to myself.

Heading into the shoot I was excited to see how my pictures would turn out. I was excited to feel confident in front of the camera, and let go of any bad thoughts that might linger in the back of my mind. And I was excited for a glass of champagne. I had been holding off all week to look good for the pictures ;)

I walked into the room, and saw my friend Melissa prepping for her shoot. Insert teeny tiny perfectly tan, adorably cute, not a wrinkle, line or mark on her body Melissa. And yes, she is a mother of 2. I got a little lump in my throat. I felt a voice starting to creep in my head. A voice of doubt. Finally, finally, my love was real with myself, and in creeps some jealousy and doubt. I could never look like Melissa. I am so embarrassed that the photographer (hello, my friend) and the make up artist were going to see my body right after hers. Maybe I need 2 glasses of champagne.

It took me so long to get to this point, was it really all going back down the drain in self-doubt?

I put on my first outfit, and felt just as bad. And then worse for thinking that way. I became nervous, and worried I would look stupid. That this inner sexiness I was feeling wasn't going to come across in the pictures. And that I would forever look like the insecure girl it took me 32 years to get away from.

But then something happened. As I sat in front of the camera, I remembered why it was I fell in love with my body. It wasn't because I looked like a swimsuit model, or that I weighed 110 pounds(so far from that!). It was because I worked hard, I looked strong, I was happy. I began to relax a bit, and get into my shoot. Not worrying about the other girls around me. To be honest, they were saying nice things, and complimenting me. Not staring and pointing.

By the end of the shoot I had let loose, was excited to see the pictures of my body, and felt amazing letting myself be so free, and roll around in the sheets with my new love. And it shows in the pictures. And that is exactly the story I was hoping to tell.

At the end of the day it didn't matter what my body looked like in the photos, but just an fyi- it looked really good! What mattered is that you could tell I was owning and loving every inch of my body.

The last question Candace asked on the questionnaire was 'What story do you want to tell with your images?' And here was my answer:

'That I am a confident and strong woman, but also one that is very fragile and sweet. I'm not a skinny model like girl, and I like that about me. I want to own my body, right here and right now, embrace every curve and muscle that I have worked for. And I want that love to show. So that I can always remember that I love myself. I might need to draw back on that over the years.'

Mission Accomplished. My new love has passed the test. I am hoping this is one that lasts forever.

Thankful for my big mouth

It is no secret that I have a big mouth. And not in the 'you can't tell her anything' kinda way (honestly I am a GREAT secret keeper). No, I have the same problem that a lot of us do- I say YES to waaaay too much, and no to hardly anything. Not a terrible problem to have, excet that I find my mouth writing checks that my schedule and body can in no way cash.

I did it twice this week, and am so glad I did!

First, on Thursday night, and probably after a glass of wine, I saw Kim post on Facebook that she was going for a beach run at 6am Friday morning. Before thinking, I immediately posted, YES!!!! I needed to get a good run in, and this was the last Friday morning that I would have free for a workout of my own.

Flash forward to the next morning, and all I want to do is stay in bed. My Friday morning suddenly changed from my last morning to get my own workout in, to this is the last Friday I could possibly sleep in for a while. As I texted Kim to tell her I was staying in bed, I did not get the: 'ok sweetie, enjoy your rest xoxo' text I was hoping for. Nope, I got the 'suck it up, I'm on vacation and I'm out of bed!'

So suck it up I did. I threw my clothes on and ran out the door. I didn't even have a rubberband for my hair. In my car I had my 'No Run = Cranky and Moody' shirt that I thought was perfectly appropriate for this morning. I pulled up and Amy and Kim started laughing. I got out of the car, and they said in unison: 'haha we knew you would come!' 'F you guys' is what I said back.

Obviously the run was amazing, and we finished with our legs in the water enjoying the peaceful rush of the waves cooling our burning claves. I knew what I was doing when I replied so quickly the night before. It was a check that I needed to cash, and I couldn't leave it up to just me.

The second offense had a little more serious repercussion. Here I was again, on facebook with a glass of wine (there shuld be a breathalizer attached to your computer to keep you from drunk facebooking!). A friend of mine posted that she needed a running partner for all or part of her 20 mile training run she had to do this weekend. She lives about 25 minutes away, so I funnily posted, 'too bad I don't live closer or run faster! I could definitely hang for 10 miles wih you!' Please keep in mind that since my marathon 3 MONTHS AGO, I have run 7 miles just once. But hey, I live too far away so no worries!

Until she quickly responded- 'Angela, I can come to you! Do you know a good route?'

Shit. Ah but wait: 'I do have a great route from HB to Newport, around the Back Bay and back to HB. Unfortunately it's hard to really jump in to run part of that one.'

Phew, saved. That was close.

'Angela, you have me thinking. I love running the Back Bay, how about we meet there, you can run 1 loop with me (just a skotch over 10 miles) and then I will do the second one by myslef.'

She's good, real good. My last attempt to get me out of this pickle, 'I can go no later that 6am.' But I already know the kind of runner Lisa is, and 6am is probably a little later thatn she usually starts.

Done and done. My mouth said I could run 10, and now my body was going to have to back it up!

Now, the good news is that I was so excited to run with a new running friend that I was hoping it would distract me enough to make it through the loop wothout dying!

Lisa has the perfect runners build, probably abour 5% body fat, all the right gear, and I am nervous about what type of pace I got myself into. Luckily she was looking to go at a 10 minute pace, and I assumed I could keep that up.

Well, the run was INCREDIBLE! We chatted for so long, that we didn't even realize until mile 3 or 4 that we were running a minute faster on our pace than we expected.

I finished feeling great, with the reminder that my body is capable of a lot more than I think at times. Once again my wine brain knew what it was doing. Putting it out there in hopes of being taken up on my offer, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I gave Lisa a hi-five and sent her on the loop again, oddly feeling a little sad that I wasn't continuing with her. I'm a bit crazy...but not that crazy.

The great thing is, I have been debating adding another race in November. Now I know I will for sure. It's nice how things can come together for a little push in the right direction when you need it the most.