A Rekindled Affair

I haven't been here in a while. Running and I have been on a 'break'. It wasn't because of a major fight, and yes we have had a few encounters in the past months. It was a clear case of 'it's not you, it's me'. And I have to admit, I have been seeing other people. New clients, a new fitness studio (with childcare, hello), the NFL, and yes, even my family. I came up with excuses for why I couldn't keep our dates. Running never pushed the issue, and I let the flame start to die out. I guess because it knew I would be back, no matter what we always come back to each other. Running will be waiting for me with open arms my entire life.

Yesterday I went running back, and was reminded of the strong bond we have, and the importance of having running in my life. It was a last minute unplanned decision, and that made it even better. As I was packing the kids up to head to the fitness studio, Mike came home from work a little early. Since I already had the kids fed, it occurred to me that instead of hitting the gym, I should just head out the door and hit the road...alone.

And that's what I did. No watch, no Garmin, just me and my long lost love. Reunited. The cool air of fall felt amazing, and there is something to be said about road running at dusk on a busy street that makes you feel powerful. The rush of the cars going by forces you to run strong. And we all know I do better with an audience so my pace was kickin'. Or at least that's what I am telling myself, glad I didn't have my Garmin to prove me otherwise.

There is something different that happens when I run, different from any other type of exercise. And I do a lot. I am not focused on following an instructor, or lost in my form. I am just putting one foot in front of the other, and my mind starts to race. Going through everything happening in my life, sorting it out, and moving on. I get a sense of clarity that I can't explain. A motivation and fire lit inside me that can't even happen with an entire pot of coffee.

Running didn't ask me where I had been, or who I was with. It treated me the same way it always had. I felt alive again. I finished strong, ready to tackle my life, knowing I had my buddy back.

I realized too, that in order to show my gratitude, I needed to recommit. I bought new shoes, new socks, some cold weather running clothes, and committed to another marathon. I need running to know I am serious about our relationship, and promise not to leave for that long again.

A Difficult Decision

If you have ever worked out with me, you know that I sweat. Actually, if you have ever hung out with me you know that I sweat. It is something I've always done, but it seems that it is starting to get waaay too out of control right now. And I'm not talking like a little bit of sweat if it's hot, I mean I can be standing just out of the shower, in a cool room, and beads of sweat will be pouring out of my armpits. Literally. TMI???

I have dealt with it in varying degrees for the past 15 years. And yes, I have tried a lot of different options. Mike recently asked me if I was using anti-perspirant, or just deoderant? Really, honey?! I have tried men's full strength, Certain Dri that you put on at night, and even did some research on botox that is supposed to stop the sweat. But, let's be honest...if I am putting out money for botox I'm not wasting it on my armpits!

I've decided to face the one issue that I know is contributing...caffeine. It's a harsh reality that I have been avoiding for fear of what life would be like without my caffeine fix. Is it possible to fold laundry in the afternoon without an iced tea? Will I be as crazy hyper at my 5:30am Body Back class without my coffee??? The more I started to panic about not drinking caffeine, that more it started to make sense that I needed a break.

So here I sit, on a Monday morning, facing what could possibly my toughest challenge yet. Caffeine free for sweats sake. I just wish I would've started this on a day where I wasn't hung over...

Thankful for my big mouth

It is no secret that I have a big mouth. And not in the 'you can't tell her anything' kinda way (honestly I am a GREAT secret keeper). No, I have the same problem that a lot of us do- I say YES to waaaay too much, and no to hardly anything. Not a terrible problem to have, excet that I find my mouth writing checks that my schedule and body can in no way cash.

I did it twice this week, and am so glad I did!

First, on Thursday night, and probably after a glass of wine, I saw Kim post on Facebook that she was going for a beach run at 6am Friday morning. Before thinking, I immediately posted, YES!!!! I needed to get a good run in, and this was the last Friday morning that I would have free for a workout of my own.

Flash forward to the next morning, and all I want to do is stay in bed. My Friday morning suddenly changed from my last morning to get my own workout in, to this is the last Friday I could possibly sleep in for a while. As I texted Kim to tell her I was staying in bed, I did not get the: 'ok sweetie, enjoy your rest xoxo' text I was hoping for. Nope, I got the 'suck it up, I'm on vacation and I'm out of bed!'

So suck it up I did. I threw my clothes on and ran out the door. I didn't even have a rubberband for my hair. In my car I had my 'No Run = Cranky and Moody' shirt that I thought was perfectly appropriate for this morning. I pulled up and Amy and Kim started laughing. I got out of the car, and they said in unison: 'haha we knew you would come!' 'F you guys' is what I said back.

Obviously the run was amazing, and we finished with our legs in the water enjoying the peaceful rush of the waves cooling our burning claves. I knew what I was doing when I replied so quickly the night before. It was a check that I needed to cash, and I couldn't leave it up to just me.

The second offense had a little more serious repercussion. Here I was again, on facebook with a glass of wine (there shuld be a breathalizer attached to your computer to keep you from drunk facebooking!). A friend of mine posted that she needed a running partner for all or part of her 20 mile training run she had to do this weekend. She lives about 25 minutes away, so I funnily posted, 'too bad I don't live closer or run faster! I could definitely hang for 10 miles wih you!' Please keep in mind that since my marathon 3 MONTHS AGO, I have run 7 miles just once. But hey, I live too far away so no worries!

Until she quickly responded- 'Angela, I can come to you! Do you know a good route?'

Shit. Ah but wait: 'I do have a great route from HB to Newport, around the Back Bay and back to HB. Unfortunately it's hard to really jump in to run part of that one.'

Phew, saved. That was close.

'Angela, you have me thinking. I love running the Back Bay, how about we meet there, you can run 1 loop with me (just a skotch over 10 miles) and then I will do the second one by myslef.'

She's good, real good. My last attempt to get me out of this pickle, 'I can go no later that 6am.' But I already know the kind of runner Lisa is, and 6am is probably a little later thatn she usually starts.

Done and done. My mouth said I could run 10, and now my body was going to have to back it up!

Now, the good news is that I was so excited to run with a new running friend that I was hoping it would distract me enough to make it through the loop wothout dying!

Lisa has the perfect runners build, probably abour 5% body fat, all the right gear, and I am nervous about what type of pace I got myself into. Luckily she was looking to go at a 10 minute pace, and I assumed I could keep that up.

Well, the run was INCREDIBLE! We chatted for so long, that we didn't even realize until mile 3 or 4 that we were running a minute faster on our pace than we expected.

I finished feeling great, with the reminder that my body is capable of a lot more than I think at times. Once again my wine brain knew what it was doing. Putting it out there in hopes of being taken up on my offer, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I gave Lisa a hi-five and sent her on the loop again, oddly feeling a little sad that I wasn't continuing with her. I'm a bit crazy...but not that crazy.

The great thing is, I have been debating adding another race in November. Now I know I will for sure. It's nice how things can come together for a little push in the right direction when you need it the most.

The Itch of Greener Grass

I love being a stay at home Mom. Really. I always knew I would be...even in my 20's when I thought maybe I would be a carrer woman, and never a mom. Deep down I knew I wanted to be there with my kids. And luckily, we were able to choose that option when I got pregnant with Meadow.

Disclaimer Over.

Mike came home from work 2 days ago, and I was having my usual afternoon meltdown which includes the phrase 'Mommy's DONE!' several times. Mike hates that phrase. Now, I totally get where he's coming from. I do. I don't want to yell. He always tells me, 'you can't be done, you are the Mom. And the minute you are reduced to yelling, they win." Ummm news flash Mike, I was defeated in the battle looooong ago!

I explained that I was just so over this stage of hitting, and whining, and back and forth with the 2 of them. It's exhausting. I try to keep them occupied, and we are out of the house for at least half of the day- EVERYDAY. But, I also have a business to run, and a house to keep together(well, attempt to keep together) so they are left to entertain themselves when I need to get busy. Not exactly how I pictured staying home with them, but it is reality.

Mike was shocked that I wasn't as in love with this stage of their lives as he is. 'Soon they will be 6 and 8 and not babies anymore!' THANK GOD! I said.

Apparantly not the right answer to give. He quickly resonded, 'you could have to go to work everyday and drop them off at day care and miss all of this!' I bet he thought I would immediately agree and see the error of my thougts and jump into craft time with the girls. Instead I started to day dream.

I pictured sitting in an airconditioned office, hair done and make up on, wearing REAL clothes, not workout pants. Getting work done in peace, knowing that my girls were being entertained by someone who would play with them non stop, and not ask them to watch My Little Pony for 30 minutes so Mommy could finish her newsletter. I pictured finishing up work, closing my computer, and LEAVING IT THERE. Then rushing to pick up my girls who were so happy to see me, jetting home to make dinner, and spend the rest of the evening playing until I tucked them into bed, in a clean room (since they weren't home all day to make it a mess). The I would sit down with a NICE glass of wine (not the Target box wine I am used to drinking) and do some shopping online without having to check my bank account.

Yup, that's what I pictured. It looked nice at that moment.

Alright working moms, stop laughing. I know just how ridiculous that sounds. But hey, it was a DREAM.

And SAHM's, stop drooling and get back to cleaning. Nap time is almost over.

Year 1 at year 5?

**WARNING- I get a little(and we all know by 'a little' I mean A LOT)personal here. And I guess we will find out once and for all if my husband ever reads my blog ;)**


My husband and I used to lie on the couch together and snicker at all of our friends. All of our friends that warned us about the first year of marriage. About how hard it was, and the adjustment, and to be careful with everything else we had going on. They told us we would question our decision, think it was wrong, and wonder how the hell we got here. Yes, we would snuggle up together and laugh. Hell, if the first year of marriage was as tough as it was going to be, we were on track for an AMAZING life!

And I have to say, I am still pretty impressed with how well it really went... considering. All within a year we: got married; had a baby; bought a house; and started a business. Any one of those alone is enough to ruin a marriage. But not us. We knocked it all out in 12 months, with smiles on our faces, and still calling each other honey and baby.

So we would talk and laugh about how we had it all figured out, about how our friends who struggled didn't understand how to communicate, didn't have the same respect we had for each other, didn't understand the true meaning of marriage, and the type of spouse they wanted to be. Yup, we should probably write a book about how good we were at being married.

Now, I guess it is fair to say that the reason we were so successful that first year is that we were still in our 'honeymoon' phase. Despite having known each other for almost 7 years, Mike and I dated for about 5 minutes before we got married. So it's safe to say we still were starry eyed looking at each other. Plus, having a baby so soon, and all we went through when finding that out, left us with no option but to be on each others side. We were up against a wall, and together we fought for the life we knew we wanted.

Flash forward almost 5 years later (holy crap), a down economy, another baby, and a new job for Mike, and all of a sudden what our friends were talking about is starting to make some sense. And, I think we were right in our assumption as to what had gone wrong with them. Poor communication, check. Respect issues, check. Remembering and holding true to they type of spouse you wanted to be, check check.

The going got tough for us about two years ago, and we both did the only thing we knew how to do when faced with a challenge. We put our heads down, and did what worked best for us(singular) at that time. We dug down, and trudged forward. A good fighting attitude I would say. Except with one problem. I'm not sure we were fighting the same fight.

What happened is that we looked up, only to glance at each other and notice we were in two completely different places. We were so focused on getting ourselves through the hard times, that we didn't think to check in with each other to make sure we were moving in the same direction. Communication.

So what we have realized now, is that not only have we started to create these two separate lives, we are resenting the other for doing the same thing. Which is completely unfair on both of our parts.

The great thing about us having a break-vacation, is that we both got a chance to do some thinking alone, and then together. To realize the mistakes that we were both making, and focus less on the blame we are putting on the other, but the responsibility and ownership we can take over the problems we are creating/contributing to.

You need a reminder that not only are you fighting on the same team, but that you are ultimately fighting for each other. For happiness together in a marriage. For a marriage that can last and grow strong enough to face the hard times that are bound to come.

So I guess we start here..with the acknowledgement of what is happening, and the commitment to start playing on the same team...together.

I'm Back!

This morning I woke up. Just woke up. Not to my alarm clock; not to a crying baby, or a little girl wanting cartoons; not to my husband's phone ringing; not with a panicked feeling that I over slept. I simply woke up and looked over at the clock. 7:45am.

I walked out of my room (ok, so it's the guest bedroom at my parents house, but for the next week it's mine...all mine) and ran into my Mom who exclaimed, "she's alive!" geez Mom, it's 7:45am, not noon! She had already fed the girls breakfast, got them dressed, and they were both playing outside with my Dad. I was hoping to wake up at 7 to go for a run, but was thinking I would give it up since it was already too late. My Mom didn't even ask me when she said she wouldn't be running with me but I would have plenty of time to make it back for the farmers market, and if I needed her to she could make me some toast. Just like that, I went back in my room and put my running clothes on. The mere idea that I was going to skip my run was crazy to my Mom. I was here to relax and recharge, and a good run was what I needed. And no one knows that better than her.

I gave the girls a kiss good-bye, turned on my Garmin, and headed down their long driveway to start my 6 mile run. My parents live on the outskirts of a small town in Oregon, back in the hills. It is absolutely gorgeous, but the run I was heading on this morning was a bit hilly. And let's be honest...I am used to running at sea level so any bit of elevation is a shock to my system. My Mom walked down with me to get a picture, proof that I did actually go for at least one run while I was here! No matter how old I get, she is still photographing every triumph in my life. Nothing is too small for a Mommy.

Within 3 steps I am already climbing a huge hill, and as I crest the top, I seriously consider turning right around. It was a bit rough! But, luckily the long downhill gave me a break and I knew I could push through. As my run went on, I started paying attention to how often I was going downhill, anticipating what I would be up against on my way back. It seemed like a lot of downhill. So much so that I didn't enjoy any of the downhills on the way out. I found myself excited with every uphill, even though they were exhausting, because I knew it would give me a break on the way back.

As I dropped down the last big hill at the turnround point down by the Rogue River, I stopped my Garmin and took a minute to reflect by the water.


It felt so freeing to be able to head out of the house without a second thought to go for a run. To not have to worry about rushing home, to be able to enjoy every moment and relax. My life has been so exhausting lately, that being able to disconnect and be alone felt amazing. I wanted to stay at the river a bit longer, and think about my life, but Lady Gaga came blaring on my iPod and I knew I had a 1/2mile hill to run up...so I was ready to go!



As I headed back out, prepared for a ton of hills, I was surprisingly shocked at how much downhill I really had in front of me. I was so worried as I headed out of what I had to face on the way back that I threw it waaaaaay out of proportion. I was so busy worrying about how hard the uphill would be on the way back, I didn't enjoy the downhill when it was in front of me.

As I powered up the last hill, and coasted down to my parents gate, there were my girls, waiting with my Mom to welcome me home. It became very clear to me at that moment that my run, as per usual, directly reflected my life. That I am so busy looking 10 steps ahead that I forget to enjoy what is right in front of me.

I got big hugs, and flashed my Mom my Garmin so she could see my pace. She smiled at me and said, "oh, I know! I figured you were running that pace, and I figured you would stop at the river for a few, so I think I timed it pretty well." And that she did. She knew from the get go that I needed this run, that I needed some time to myself, and that I needed to run hard. A run to remind me to live in the moment a little more. How my Mom knows that...I don't know. But she does. And that is exactly why I am here, at my parents house, for my vacation.

It feels good to be back.

De Funk-de-fied

Hi. My name is Angela Kraber, and am in a funk. Hi Angela.

First off, let me apologize to you, all 11 of you, my faithful followers. I know you have been waiting for the next installment of my marathon saga...and I promise it is coming. This post will explain it's delay...

For the past week and a half I have been blah. Not angry, not really upset about anything, not mad...just blah. For those of you that don't know me, blah really isn't my thing. It's normal for me to lose everything under the sun, but my mojo?? I usually have that pretty well intact. But nope, for this past week it has been completely gone. I sat down a dozen different times to get out the story of the marathon, that in my head just days before was so perfect, and I got nothin'. So I just decided to wait. The thoughts would come back, the inspiration would once again appear, and I would be brilliant. Well at least my mom would think it was brilliant.

Then last night, I got terrible news about a dear lifelong family friend that had died. I broke down, and then I shut down. I couldn't understand it, I couldn't explain it, and at one point I didn't even understand the words coming out of my mouth as I talked to Mike about it. I went for a walk around the block, and then spent the next few hours, well into the night, just staring at the TV.

Today,as I went through the motions of my day, I was shut off. I put the kids down for a nap and I just sat on the couch. I didn't know if I was hungry, or thirsty, or if I should do laundry, or work. I just spaced out, again, and stared. Now I know that I am still upset about the awful news, but this was a funk in the works already...this is just what pushed me over the edge.

After a text from skinny Sandra about her great run this morning, I got up, poured a glass of iced tea, and the little light bulb in my head went off. Now, I knew deep down what was going on, but I wanted to avoid it. I know how I act when I am not running...hence I run a lot! The light bulb came when I pictured what I would say to Sandra if she were sitting on the couch feeling unmotivated and blah. I would tell her to 'suck it up Bredek, put your big girl panties on, and do something!' Motivation and inspiration shouldn't have to always come to you and find you when you need them. Sometimes you need to take the first step, get things going, and make inspiration and motivation on your own.

It really was just that simple. I needed to get moving, to get my blood pumping, and get a good sweat on just for me! I need to run dammit!!! I just needed to do it! I don't accept excuses from any of my clients...so I am not about to be the exception to my own rule.

So tonight, I put the girls down early- they were honestly running around like crazy- and I got out my Mama Wants Her Body Back Advanced DVD, and knocked it out. It was hard, but it felt great.

Now I am sitting with my mojo, having a glass of wine, about to check out raceplace.com to find my next race. My calendar is out and I am planning MY workouts.

Good-bye to my blahs...oh, hi there motivation and inspiration. How nice of you to join us!