Or maybe I just read way too into it. I can do that from time to time. Or all the time.
Every now and then I am blown away with the things that come out of my kids' mouths. And no, it isn't always them repeating the bad stuff we say...just sometimes ;).
I really feel at times that my kids know something I don't when they speak about certain things. Like their innocence has them connected to the universe in a way that I can't even begin to understand.
Case and point: Meadow has a friend that is quiet around adults. I think she is a genius- very cautious of the world around her. The other day Meadow was talking about how much she loves Hello Kitty, and that Hello Kitty was her favoritest ever. I asked her why she liked Hello Kitty so much. And she simply answered: because sometimes she doesn't talk, and sometimes my friend Sophia doesn't talk. I don't know why, but this spoke volumes to me. While the rest of the adult world might be trying to understand why her friend chooses not to talk to certain adults, I feel that Meadow understands her in a way we never could.
Tonight I had a late conference call, and when it was finished I went into my room to see both girls snuggled up in my bed. I hopped in between them to snuggle up. It was a fun warm moment, the kind I forget about when I am caught up in the craziness of everyday life. I told them that I would love them forever and ever. I asked if they would love me forever and ever too. Emma screamed YESSSSSS!!!! And Meadow replied, yes mommy, even when you are gone.
GULP.
Oh my gosh. What did that mean, even when I am gone? Are we going to have to talk about how Jackie Boy and Great Grandma are in heaven? And what it means to have mommy go there too? Why is she already picturing me gone? What a sad thought for a 4 year old. I immediately felt sad and overwhelmed, and worried about how I was going to explain this one without causing permanent damage. (And let's be honest, I am going to cause enough damage on my own without adding in these serious conversations.)
I asked what she meant. And if she meant when she was older? Or if it was like how Mena (my mom) lives far away? She said no. And then silence.
Oh man I am really in trouble. How do I explain this?
I asked if she meant when she was older and had her own babies. And she said, "well yes that too mommy. But I meant, like, in the morning when you leave for Body Back, and to go to work sometimes, I still love you then."
And there it was. As simple as can be. It wasn't complicated; it didn't mean anything so serious. It was how it felt, in the mind of a 4 year old. It reminded me that things don't really have to be all that complicated. Maybe if we stop overthinking every little issue, the world would become so much clearer right in front of our faces.
Thanks Meadow. With every little statement, your mommy becomes that much wiser. But just so you know, I'm going to stop telling you that in about 10 years. I can't let you know you have that kind of power when you are a teenager. ;)
Logo
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Sweat, Tears, and Salt Water...goodbye 2011
My last run in 2011. And it was glorious.
**photo is missing a few girls**
First, our Moms on the Run running group was rolling deep...15+ mammas for this run and I was pumped. Mainly because it meant everyone would bring beer so we would have more than enough to tie on our early morning buzz. Second, which is really related to #1, I hired a babysitter to watch the kids. So no guilt about needing to rush home after leaving my poor husband with our kids all morning. Third, and to your disbelief I know, was the most important. I have had a lot on my mind lately, and I needed a good, hard, long run to work it out. (yes, that was supposed to sound dirty....if you have ever taken one of my classes you know that's how I roll)
I think it is pretty common amongst women, especially moms, to always have on the strong brave face. Holding it all together, because, to be honest, we don't have time to lose it. We have jobs, families, houses to run, and children to raise. F, we are the glue that holds it all together. So getting sucked into stuff that might be eating at us just isn't an option. Until, or course, it eats away too much.
I had reached my 'wall' and I needed to break through it. Only, I don't know how to break down on my own. For some reason, I need to feel it on the road, before I can feel it in my head. Running is very symbiotic to my life, and I knew what I had to do.
If you have seen the Biggest Loser, it's amazing what the trainers can get out of their clients during an extremely difficult workout. They spill the beans about everything going on in their life, how they got to where they are, etc. It's not because of the questions the trainers ask, but simply because the contestants are exhausted. They can no longer hold up the wall that they have been keeping up around them.
In the same sense, when kids are exhausted, they are an emotional nightmare. And that is exactly what I needed to be.
To push past a wall in my running breaks me down, and in doing so, gives me the strength and confidence needed to break down walls in my regular life. If I can achieve something once thought impossible in racing....then I know I can do it in real life. Like muscles, you have to break them down, in order for them to grow stronger.
I started off my 10 miles running with the wifey, and our crew of 15+. Feels good to be such a bad influence on these girls ;). The wifey and I haven't run together in what seems like forever, so it was a nice treat to have her by my side. She let me know early on she didn't want to keep my pace for too long. And that was ok with me, I needed to run alone today. To have no distractions, to let my emotion flow through my head, and hopefully soon, out of my body.
She backed off at about mile 3, I put my other ear bud in, and cranked up Pandora. The path was full, so it was easy to keep my strong pace (yes, we all know how I do with an audience). Checking my pace, 8:30, then 8:05, then I settled 'comfortably' at a 7:45 pace.
I flipped at 5, and got to see all the hot mamas run past me. I lifted my shirt for the sports bra flash, and gotta love that I got it back from a few of the girls! God I love my running club!
I took my Gu at mile 6, and sped up to a 7:05 mile. And then I quickly backed back down to 7:40. At about mile 7 I started to feel spent. With the training I do I really have no business running this pace. But, I was on a mission.
I promised myself I just needed to hold on til mile 9....and the last mile would be smooth sailing. And that it was...sortof.
As I crested the last hill, and began my downhill coast to the end, I sped back up. I fought to finish strong, and I got faster with every step. I could feel my wall breaking down, as tears started to roll down my cheeks. I was broken. I pushed down the wall I had been trying so desperately to hold up. And it felt good.
As I sprinted to my finish and stopped my Garmin right at 10 miles, the tears rolled out like a flood gate. I turned around to walk, and got hi-fives from the runners I had passed just a few steps back.
I walked down to the water, sat with my head in my hands for a bit, balling my eyes out, and then- took my shoes off and walked into the water. Now I know they say that salt water is the best therapy you can get. And on this day, I got it in all 3 forms. Sweat, Tears, and the Ocean.
So here's to you 2011. I left a portion of you that needs to stay behind out there on the beach. The rest of you is coming with me to 2012: The. Best.Year.Yet.
And how can it not be with friends like this?
First, our Moms on the Run running group was rolling deep...15+ mammas for this run and I was pumped. Mainly because it meant everyone would bring beer so we would have more than enough to tie on our early morning buzz. Second, which is really related to #1, I hired a babysitter to watch the kids. So no guilt about needing to rush home after leaving my poor husband with our kids all morning. Third, and to your disbelief I know, was the most important. I have had a lot on my mind lately, and I needed a good, hard, long run to work it out. (yes, that was supposed to sound dirty....if you have ever taken one of my classes you know that's how I roll)
I think it is pretty common amongst women, especially moms, to always have on the strong brave face. Holding it all together, because, to be honest, we don't have time to lose it. We have jobs, families, houses to run, and children to raise. F, we are the glue that holds it all together. So getting sucked into stuff that might be eating at us just isn't an option. Until, or course, it eats away too much.
I had reached my 'wall' and I needed to break through it. Only, I don't know how to break down on my own. For some reason, I need to feel it on the road, before I can feel it in my head. Running is very symbiotic to my life, and I knew what I had to do.
If you have seen the Biggest Loser, it's amazing what the trainers can get out of their clients during an extremely difficult workout. They spill the beans about everything going on in their life, how they got to where they are, etc. It's not because of the questions the trainers ask, but simply because the contestants are exhausted. They can no longer hold up the wall that they have been keeping up around them.
In the same sense, when kids are exhausted, they are an emotional nightmare. And that is exactly what I needed to be.
To push past a wall in my running breaks me down, and in doing so, gives me the strength and confidence needed to break down walls in my regular life. If I can achieve something once thought impossible in racing....then I know I can do it in real life. Like muscles, you have to break them down, in order for them to grow stronger.
I started off my 10 miles running with the wifey, and our crew of 15+. Feels good to be such a bad influence on these girls ;). The wifey and I haven't run together in what seems like forever, so it was a nice treat to have her by my side. She let me know early on she didn't want to keep my pace for too long. And that was ok with me, I needed to run alone today. To have no distractions, to let my emotion flow through my head, and hopefully soon, out of my body.
She backed off at about mile 3, I put my other ear bud in, and cranked up Pandora. The path was full, so it was easy to keep my strong pace (yes, we all know how I do with an audience). Checking my pace, 8:30, then 8:05, then I settled 'comfortably' at a 7:45 pace.
I flipped at 5, and got to see all the hot mamas run past me. I lifted my shirt for the sports bra flash, and gotta love that I got it back from a few of the girls! God I love my running club!
I took my Gu at mile 6, and sped up to a 7:05 mile. And then I quickly backed back down to 7:40. At about mile 7 I started to feel spent. With the training I do I really have no business running this pace. But, I was on a mission.
I promised myself I just needed to hold on til mile 9....and the last mile would be smooth sailing. And that it was...sortof.
As I crested the last hill, and began my downhill coast to the end, I sped back up. I fought to finish strong, and I got faster with every step. I could feel my wall breaking down, as tears started to roll down my cheeks. I was broken. I pushed down the wall I had been trying so desperately to hold up. And it felt good.
As I sprinted to my finish and stopped my Garmin right at 10 miles, the tears rolled out like a flood gate. I turned around to walk, and got hi-fives from the runners I had passed just a few steps back.
I walked down to the water, sat with my head in my hands for a bit, balling my eyes out, and then- took my shoes off and walked into the water. Now I know they say that salt water is the best therapy you can get. And on this day, I got it in all 3 forms. Sweat, Tears, and the Ocean.
So here's to you 2011. I left a portion of you that needs to stay behind out there on the beach. The rest of you is coming with me to 2012: The. Best.Year.Yet.
And how can it not be with friends like this?
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A Rekindled Affair
I haven't been here in a while. Running and I have been on a 'break'. It wasn't because of a major fight, and yes we have had a few encounters in the past months. It was a clear case of 'it's not you, it's me'. And I have to admit, I have been seeing other people. New clients, a new fitness studio (with childcare, hello), the NFL, and yes, even my family. I came up with excuses for why I couldn't keep our dates. Running never pushed the issue, and I let the flame start to die out. I guess because it knew I would be back, no matter what we always come back to each other. Running will be waiting for me with open arms my entire life.
Yesterday I went running back, and was reminded of the strong bond we have, and the importance of having running in my life. It was a last minute unplanned decision, and that made it even better. As I was packing the kids up to head to the fitness studio, Mike came home from work a little early. Since I already had the kids fed, it occurred to me that instead of hitting the gym, I should just head out the door and hit the road...alone.
And that's what I did. No watch, no Garmin, just me and my long lost love. Reunited. The cool air of fall felt amazing, and there is something to be said about road running at dusk on a busy street that makes you feel powerful. The rush of the cars going by forces you to run strong. And we all know I do better with an audience so my pace was kickin'. Or at least that's what I am telling myself, glad I didn't have my Garmin to prove me otherwise.
There is something different that happens when I run, different from any other type of exercise. And I do a lot. I am not focused on following an instructor, or lost in my form. I am just putting one foot in front of the other, and my mind starts to race. Going through everything happening in my life, sorting it out, and moving on. I get a sense of clarity that I can't explain. A motivation and fire lit inside me that can't even happen with an entire pot of coffee.
Running didn't ask me where I had been, or who I was with. It treated me the same way it always had. I felt alive again. I finished strong, ready to tackle my life, knowing I had my buddy back.
I realized too, that in order to show my gratitude, I needed to recommit. I bought new shoes, new socks, some cold weather running clothes, and committed to another marathon. I need running to know I am serious about our relationship, and promise not to leave for that long again.
Yesterday I went running back, and was reminded of the strong bond we have, and the importance of having running in my life. It was a last minute unplanned decision, and that made it even better. As I was packing the kids up to head to the fitness studio, Mike came home from work a little early. Since I already had the kids fed, it occurred to me that instead of hitting the gym, I should just head out the door and hit the road...alone.
And that's what I did. No watch, no Garmin, just me and my long lost love. Reunited. The cool air of fall felt amazing, and there is something to be said about road running at dusk on a busy street that makes you feel powerful. The rush of the cars going by forces you to run strong. And we all know I do better with an audience so my pace was kickin'. Or at least that's what I am telling myself, glad I didn't have my Garmin to prove me otherwise.
There is something different that happens when I run, different from any other type of exercise. And I do a lot. I am not focused on following an instructor, or lost in my form. I am just putting one foot in front of the other, and my mind starts to race. Going through everything happening in my life, sorting it out, and moving on. I get a sense of clarity that I can't explain. A motivation and fire lit inside me that can't even happen with an entire pot of coffee.
Running didn't ask me where I had been, or who I was with. It treated me the same way it always had. I felt alive again. I finished strong, ready to tackle my life, knowing I had my buddy back.
I realized too, that in order to show my gratitude, I needed to recommit. I bought new shoes, new socks, some cold weather running clothes, and committed to another marathon. I need running to know I am serious about our relationship, and promise not to leave for that long again.
Monday, August 29, 2011
A Difficult Decision
If you have ever worked out with me, you know that I sweat. Actually, if you have ever hung out with me you know that I sweat. It is something I've always done, but it seems that it is starting to get waaay too out of control right now. And I'm not talking like a little bit of sweat if it's hot, I mean I can be standing just out of the shower, in a cool room, and beads of sweat will be pouring out of my armpits. Literally. TMI???
I have dealt with it in varying degrees for the past 15 years. And yes, I have tried a lot of different options. Mike recently asked me if I was using anti-perspirant, or just deoderant? Really, honey?! I have tried men's full strength, Certain Dri that you put on at night, and even did some research on botox that is supposed to stop the sweat. But, let's be honest...if I am putting out money for botox I'm not wasting it on my armpits!
I've decided to face the one issue that I know is contributing...caffeine. It's a harsh reality that I have been avoiding for fear of what life would be like without my caffeine fix. Is it possible to fold laundry in the afternoon without an iced tea? Will I be as crazy hyper at my 5:30am Body Back class without my coffee??? The more I started to panic about not drinking caffeine, that more it started to make sense that I needed a break.
So here I sit, on a Monday morning, facing what could possibly my toughest challenge yet. Caffeine free for sweats sake. I just wish I would've started this on a day where I wasn't hung over...
I have dealt with it in varying degrees for the past 15 years. And yes, I have tried a lot of different options. Mike recently asked me if I was using anti-perspirant, or just deoderant? Really, honey?! I have tried men's full strength, Certain Dri that you put on at night, and even did some research on botox that is supposed to stop the sweat. But, let's be honest...if I am putting out money for botox I'm not wasting it on my armpits!
I've decided to face the one issue that I know is contributing...caffeine. It's a harsh reality that I have been avoiding for fear of what life would be like without my caffeine fix. Is it possible to fold laundry in the afternoon without an iced tea? Will I be as crazy hyper at my 5:30am Body Back class without my coffee??? The more I started to panic about not drinking caffeine, that more it started to make sense that I needed a break.
So here I sit, on a Monday morning, facing what could possibly my toughest challenge yet. Caffeine free for sweats sake. I just wish I would've started this on a day where I wasn't hung over...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Thankful for my big mouth
It is no secret that I have a big mouth. And not in the 'you can't tell her anything' kinda way (honestly I am a GREAT secret keeper). No, I have the same problem that a lot of us do- I say YES to waaaay too much, and no to hardly anything. Not a terrible problem to have, excet that I find my mouth writing checks that my schedule and body can in no way cash.
I did it twice this week, and am so glad I did!
First, on Thursday night, and probably after a glass of wine, I saw Kim post on Facebook that she was going for a beach run at 6am Friday morning. Before thinking, I immediately posted, YES!!!! I needed to get a good run in, and this was the last Friday morning that I would have free for a workout of my own.
Flash forward to the next morning, and all I want to do is stay in bed. My Friday morning suddenly changed from my last morning to get my own workout in, to this is the last Friday I could possibly sleep in for a while. As I texted Kim to tell her I was staying in bed, I did not get the: 'ok sweetie, enjoy your rest xoxo' text I was hoping for. Nope, I got the 'suck it up, I'm on vacation and I'm out of bed!'
So suck it up I did. I threw my clothes on and ran out the door. I didn't even have a rubberband for my hair. In my car I had my 'No Run = Cranky and Moody' shirt that I thought was perfectly appropriate for this morning. I pulled up and Amy and Kim started laughing. I got out of the car, and they said in unison: 'haha we knew you would come!' 'F you guys' is what I said back.
Obviously the run was amazing, and we finished with our legs in the water enjoying the peaceful rush of the waves cooling our burning claves. I knew what I was doing when I replied so quickly the night before. It was a check that I needed to cash, and I couldn't leave it up to just me.
The second offense had a little more serious repercussion. Here I was again, on facebook with a glass of wine (there shuld be a breathalizer attached to your computer to keep you from drunk facebooking!). A friend of mine posted that she needed a running partner for all or part of her 20 mile training run she had to do this weekend. She lives about 25 minutes away, so I funnily posted, 'too bad I don't live closer or run faster! I could definitely hang for 10 miles wih you!' Please keep in mind that since my marathon 3 MONTHS AGO, I have run 7 miles just once. But hey, I live too far away so no worries!
Until she quickly responded- 'Angela, I can come to you! Do you know a good route?'
Shit. Ah but wait: 'I do have a great route from HB to Newport, around the Back Bay and back to HB. Unfortunately it's hard to really jump in to run part of that one.'
Phew, saved. That was close.
'Angela, you have me thinking. I love running the Back Bay, how about we meet there, you can run 1 loop with me (just a skotch over 10 miles) and then I will do the second one by myslef.'
She's good, real good. My last attempt to get me out of this pickle, 'I can go no later that 6am.' But I already know the kind of runner Lisa is, and 6am is probably a little later thatn she usually starts.
Done and done. My mouth said I could run 10, and now my body was going to have to back it up!
Now, the good news is that I was so excited to run with a new running friend that I was hoping it would distract me enough to make it through the loop wothout dying!
Lisa has the perfect runners build, probably abour 5% body fat, all the right gear, and I am nervous about what type of pace I got myself into. Luckily she was looking to go at a 10 minute pace, and I assumed I could keep that up.
Well, the run was INCREDIBLE! We chatted for so long, that we didn't even realize until mile 3 or 4 that we were running a minute faster on our pace than we expected.
I finished feeling great, with the reminder that my body is capable of a lot more than I think at times. Once again my wine brain knew what it was doing. Putting it out there in hopes of being taken up on my offer, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I gave Lisa a hi-five and sent her on the loop again, oddly feeling a little sad that I wasn't continuing with her. I'm a bit crazy...but not that crazy.
The great thing is, I have been debating adding another race in November. Now I know I will for sure. It's nice how things can come together for a little push in the right direction when you need it the most.
I did it twice this week, and am so glad I did!
First, on Thursday night, and probably after a glass of wine, I saw Kim post on Facebook that she was going for a beach run at 6am Friday morning. Before thinking, I immediately posted, YES!!!! I needed to get a good run in, and this was the last Friday morning that I would have free for a workout of my own.
Flash forward to the next morning, and all I want to do is stay in bed. My Friday morning suddenly changed from my last morning to get my own workout in, to this is the last Friday I could possibly sleep in for a while. As I texted Kim to tell her I was staying in bed, I did not get the: 'ok sweetie, enjoy your rest xoxo' text I was hoping for. Nope, I got the 'suck it up, I'm on vacation and I'm out of bed!'
So suck it up I did. I threw my clothes on and ran out the door. I didn't even have a rubberband for my hair. In my car I had my 'No Run = Cranky and Moody' shirt that I thought was perfectly appropriate for this morning. I pulled up and Amy and Kim started laughing. I got out of the car, and they said in unison: 'haha we knew you would come!' 'F you guys' is what I said back.
Obviously the run was amazing, and we finished with our legs in the water enjoying the peaceful rush of the waves cooling our burning claves. I knew what I was doing when I replied so quickly the night before. It was a check that I needed to cash, and I couldn't leave it up to just me.
The second offense had a little more serious repercussion. Here I was again, on facebook with a glass of wine (there shuld be a breathalizer attached to your computer to keep you from drunk facebooking!). A friend of mine posted that she needed a running partner for all or part of her 20 mile training run she had to do this weekend. She lives about 25 minutes away, so I funnily posted, 'too bad I don't live closer or run faster! I could definitely hang for 10 miles wih you!' Please keep in mind that since my marathon 3 MONTHS AGO, I have run 7 miles just once. But hey, I live too far away so no worries!
Until she quickly responded- 'Angela, I can come to you! Do you know a good route?'
Shit. Ah but wait: 'I do have a great route from HB to Newport, around the Back Bay and back to HB. Unfortunately it's hard to really jump in to run part of that one.'
Phew, saved. That was close.
'Angela, you have me thinking. I love running the Back Bay, how about we meet there, you can run 1 loop with me (just a skotch over 10 miles) and then I will do the second one by myslef.'
She's good, real good. My last attempt to get me out of this pickle, 'I can go no later that 6am.' But I already know the kind of runner Lisa is, and 6am is probably a little later thatn she usually starts.
Done and done. My mouth said I could run 10, and now my body was going to have to back it up!
Now, the good news is that I was so excited to run with a new running friend that I was hoping it would distract me enough to make it through the loop wothout dying!
Lisa has the perfect runners build, probably abour 5% body fat, all the right gear, and I am nervous about what type of pace I got myself into. Luckily she was looking to go at a 10 minute pace, and I assumed I could keep that up.
Well, the run was INCREDIBLE! We chatted for so long, that we didn't even realize until mile 3 or 4 that we were running a minute faster on our pace than we expected.
I finished feeling great, with the reminder that my body is capable of a lot more than I think at times. Once again my wine brain knew what it was doing. Putting it out there in hopes of being taken up on my offer, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I gave Lisa a hi-five and sent her on the loop again, oddly feeling a little sad that I wasn't continuing with her. I'm a bit crazy...but not that crazy.
The great thing is, I have been debating adding another race in November. Now I know I will for sure. It's nice how things can come together for a little push in the right direction when you need it the most.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The Itch of Greener Grass
I love being a stay at home Mom. Really. I always knew I would be...even in my 20's when I thought maybe I would be a carrer woman, and never a mom. Deep down I knew I wanted to be there with my kids. And luckily, we were able to choose that option when I got pregnant with Meadow.
Disclaimer Over.
Mike came home from work 2 days ago, and I was having my usual afternoon meltdown which includes the phrase 'Mommy's DONE!' several times. Mike hates that phrase. Now, I totally get where he's coming from. I do. I don't want to yell. He always tells me, 'you can't be done, you are the Mom. And the minute you are reduced to yelling, they win." Ummm news flash Mike, I was defeated in the battle looooong ago!
I explained that I was just so over this stage of hitting, and whining, and back and forth with the 2 of them. It's exhausting. I try to keep them occupied, and we are out of the house for at least half of the day- EVERYDAY. But, I also have a business to run, and a house to keep together(well, attempt to keep together) so they are left to entertain themselves when I need to get busy. Not exactly how I pictured staying home with them, but it is reality.
Mike was shocked that I wasn't as in love with this stage of their lives as he is. 'Soon they will be 6 and 8 and not babies anymore!' THANK GOD! I said.
Apparantly not the right answer to give. He quickly resonded, 'you could have to go to work everyday and drop them off at day care and miss all of this!' I bet he thought I would immediately agree and see the error of my thougts and jump into craft time with the girls. Instead I started to day dream.
I pictured sitting in an airconditioned office, hair done and make up on, wearing REAL clothes, not workout pants. Getting work done in peace, knowing that my girls were being entertained by someone who would play with them non stop, and not ask them to watch My Little Pony for 30 minutes so Mommy could finish her newsletter. I pictured finishing up work, closing my computer, and LEAVING IT THERE. Then rushing to pick up my girls who were so happy to see me, jetting home to make dinner, and spend the rest of the evening playing until I tucked them into bed, in a clean room (since they weren't home all day to make it a mess). The I would sit down with a NICE glass of wine (not the Target box wine I am used to drinking) and do some shopping online without having to check my bank account.
Yup, that's what I pictured. It looked nice at that moment.
Alright working moms, stop laughing. I know just how ridiculous that sounds. But hey, it was a DREAM.
And SAHM's, stop drooling and get back to cleaning. Nap time is almost over.
Disclaimer Over.
Mike came home from work 2 days ago, and I was having my usual afternoon meltdown which includes the phrase 'Mommy's DONE!' several times. Mike hates that phrase. Now, I totally get where he's coming from. I do. I don't want to yell. He always tells me, 'you can't be done, you are the Mom. And the minute you are reduced to yelling, they win." Ummm news flash Mike, I was defeated in the battle looooong ago!
I explained that I was just so over this stage of hitting, and whining, and back and forth with the 2 of them. It's exhausting. I try to keep them occupied, and we are out of the house for at least half of the day- EVERYDAY. But, I also have a business to run, and a house to keep together(well, attempt to keep together) so they are left to entertain themselves when I need to get busy. Not exactly how I pictured staying home with them, but it is reality.
Mike was shocked that I wasn't as in love with this stage of their lives as he is. 'Soon they will be 6 and 8 and not babies anymore!' THANK GOD! I said.
Apparantly not the right answer to give. He quickly resonded, 'you could have to go to work everyday and drop them off at day care and miss all of this!' I bet he thought I would immediately agree and see the error of my thougts and jump into craft time with the girls. Instead I started to day dream.
I pictured sitting in an airconditioned office, hair done and make up on, wearing REAL clothes, not workout pants. Getting work done in peace, knowing that my girls were being entertained by someone who would play with them non stop, and not ask them to watch My Little Pony for 30 minutes so Mommy could finish her newsletter. I pictured finishing up work, closing my computer, and LEAVING IT THERE. Then rushing to pick up my girls who were so happy to see me, jetting home to make dinner, and spend the rest of the evening playing until I tucked them into bed, in a clean room (since they weren't home all day to make it a mess). The I would sit down with a NICE glass of wine (not the Target box wine I am used to drinking) and do some shopping online without having to check my bank account.
Yup, that's what I pictured. It looked nice at that moment.
Alright working moms, stop laughing. I know just how ridiculous that sounds. But hey, it was a DREAM.
And SAHM's, stop drooling and get back to cleaning. Nap time is almost over.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Year 1 at year 5?
**WARNING- I get a little(and we all know by 'a little' I mean A LOT)personal here. And I guess we will find out once and for all if my husband ever reads my blog ;)**
My husband and I used to lie on the couch together and snicker at all of our friends. All of our friends that warned us about the first year of marriage. About how hard it was, and the adjustment, and to be careful with everything else we had going on. They told us we would question our decision, think it was wrong, and wonder how the hell we got here. Yes, we would snuggle up together and laugh. Hell, if the first year of marriage was as tough as it was going to be, we were on track for an AMAZING life!
And I have to say, I am still pretty impressed with how well it really went... considering. All within a year we: got married; had a baby; bought a house; and started a business. Any one of those alone is enough to ruin a marriage. But not us. We knocked it all out in 12 months, with smiles on our faces, and still calling each other honey and baby.
So we would talk and laugh about how we had it all figured out, about how our friends who struggled didn't understand how to communicate, didn't have the same respect we had for each other, didn't understand the true meaning of marriage, and the type of spouse they wanted to be. Yup, we should probably write a book about how good we were at being married.
Now, I guess it is fair to say that the reason we were so successful that first year is that we were still in our 'honeymoon' phase. Despite having known each other for almost 7 years, Mike and I dated for about 5 minutes before we got married. So it's safe to say we still were starry eyed looking at each other. Plus, having a baby so soon, and all we went through when finding that out, left us with no option but to be on each others side. We were up against a wall, and together we fought for the life we knew we wanted.
Flash forward almost 5 years later (holy crap), a down economy, another baby, and a new job for Mike, and all of a sudden what our friends were talking about is starting to make some sense. And, I think we were right in our assumption as to what had gone wrong with them. Poor communication, check. Respect issues, check. Remembering and holding true to they type of spouse you wanted to be, check check.
The going got tough for us about two years ago, and we both did the only thing we knew how to do when faced with a challenge. We put our heads down, and did what worked best for us(singular) at that time. We dug down, and trudged forward. A good fighting attitude I would say. Except with one problem. I'm not sure we were fighting the same fight.
What happened is that we looked up, only to glance at each other and notice we were in two completely different places. We were so focused on getting ourselves through the hard times, that we didn't think to check in with each other to make sure we were moving in the same direction. Communication.
So what we have realized now, is that not only have we started to create these two separate lives, we are resenting the other for doing the same thing. Which is completely unfair on both of our parts.
The great thing about us having a break-vacation, is that we both got a chance to do some thinking alone, and then together. To realize the mistakes that we were both making, and focus less on the blame we are putting on the other, but the responsibility and ownership we can take over the problems we are creating/contributing to.
You need a reminder that not only are you fighting on the same team, but that you are ultimately fighting for each other. For happiness together in a marriage. For a marriage that can last and grow strong enough to face the hard times that are bound to come.
So I guess we start here..with the acknowledgement of what is happening, and the commitment to start playing on the same team...together.
My husband and I used to lie on the couch together and snicker at all of our friends. All of our friends that warned us about the first year of marriage. About how hard it was, and the adjustment, and to be careful with everything else we had going on. They told us we would question our decision, think it was wrong, and wonder how the hell we got here. Yes, we would snuggle up together and laugh. Hell, if the first year of marriage was as tough as it was going to be, we were on track for an AMAZING life!
And I have to say, I am still pretty impressed with how well it really went... considering. All within a year we: got married; had a baby; bought a house; and started a business. Any one of those alone is enough to ruin a marriage. But not us. We knocked it all out in 12 months, with smiles on our faces, and still calling each other honey and baby.
So we would talk and laugh about how we had it all figured out, about how our friends who struggled didn't understand how to communicate, didn't have the same respect we had for each other, didn't understand the true meaning of marriage, and the type of spouse they wanted to be. Yup, we should probably write a book about how good we were at being married.
Now, I guess it is fair to say that the reason we were so successful that first year is that we were still in our 'honeymoon' phase. Despite having known each other for almost 7 years, Mike and I dated for about 5 minutes before we got married. So it's safe to say we still were starry eyed looking at each other. Plus, having a baby so soon, and all we went through when finding that out, left us with no option but to be on each others side. We were up against a wall, and together we fought for the life we knew we wanted.
Flash forward almost 5 years later (holy crap), a down economy, another baby, and a new job for Mike, and all of a sudden what our friends were talking about is starting to make some sense. And, I think we were right in our assumption as to what had gone wrong with them. Poor communication, check. Respect issues, check. Remembering and holding true to they type of spouse you wanted to be, check check.
The going got tough for us about two years ago, and we both did the only thing we knew how to do when faced with a challenge. We put our heads down, and did what worked best for us(singular) at that time. We dug down, and trudged forward. A good fighting attitude I would say. Except with one problem. I'm not sure we were fighting the same fight.
What happened is that we looked up, only to glance at each other and notice we were in two completely different places. We were so focused on getting ourselves through the hard times, that we didn't think to check in with each other to make sure we were moving in the same direction. Communication.
So what we have realized now, is that not only have we started to create these two separate lives, we are resenting the other for doing the same thing. Which is completely unfair on both of our parts.
The great thing about us having a break-vacation, is that we both got a chance to do some thinking alone, and then together. To realize the mistakes that we were both making, and focus less on the blame we are putting on the other, but the responsibility and ownership we can take over the problems we are creating/contributing to.
You need a reminder that not only are you fighting on the same team, but that you are ultimately fighting for each other. For happiness together in a marriage. For a marriage that can last and grow strong enough to face the hard times that are bound to come.
So I guess we start here..with the acknowledgement of what is happening, and the commitment to start playing on the same team...together.
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